I am quite certain I did not realize what an impact all the twist and turns with my health (aka WHAT WILL WE DO WITH THAT PESKY BRAIN TUMOR) over the past several years made on my teen’s life until this week.  The broad strokes of it is that she was writing a paper for school with a theme to what she believes and at the sum of it all……..her statement was that she believes everything in her life is ordered.  She KNOWS God has her in his hand and every step we have taken is ordered.  Those ordered steps have included the good, the bad and the ugly but she has confidence that everything is ordered and she can focus on chasing after God and he will work all things to her good.   What a testimony at such an early age to step back and KNOW even the steps that looked to be a result of unanswered prayers were not that all, but in fact part of a greater plan that we could not see at the time.  I have to own the fact that if I had been provided a list of choices 7 years ago I would have not chosen this path but now I can see the bigger plan and am so thankful that he ordered his path for my family.  Learning to climb a mountain together with God as the lead has taught my kiddo a huge lesson that many struggle to learn deep down inside of us still to this day.    God is ever so lovely and I am #BlessedBeyondMeasure

As I have done my Bible studies over the past few years I have given pause to wonder and had the continuing question as to what was different about certain individuals throughout history that they really really touch God with their faith I mean WHY were Elijah and Enoch taken up to Heaven without ever seeing death why was David considered a man after God’s own heart – different ones referred to as God’s Friend…..and so on those that somehow were different enough that they really really grabbed God’s attention, I mean I love God I trust God I know others that do….and then one day when I was balled up in a mess just weeping in pain God spoke to me and said that is your answer – –  have you ever longed for me like you are for your mother right now – they loved me like THAT.  And that was a spiritual moment for me like none other and I know my momma would be thankful for it – but I do miss her terrible.  The other day I realized I had not spoken to her for 6 months the longest in my life I have not spoken to my mom was 3 days and that was because I was on a cruise.  You have not really loved until you have lost a love like that – then you understand how really BIG you should live with your people every day.   

My mother finished her race and won her reward just recently….and I miss her terribly. I could say I believe she is happy and that would be true, I could say I know she is better now and that would be true, I could say this is what she lived her whole life for and that would be true, but no single statement would be as true as I MISS MY MAMA, my heart breaks for her voice and to feel her hug and at the same time my heart leaps within me to know that she is with her maker, her savior, her best friend, he savior, her judge, her constant. That last one…..that is one that is holding onto me like never before………..JESUS IS OUR CONSTANT, our jobs change=so our daily interactions they change, people move, people pass on, people just change but Jesus never – he is constant and he wants us to look to him always and I am thankful for that, I realize now more than ever, I NEED HIM. I love you mama and I love that you are with my constant that you now see what I only see darkly.

1 Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me.  2 In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.  3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also. JOHN 14-1-3

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I am reminded of teaching the preschool sunday school class…..I quickly learned that all the children would give you the same answer to every question.

Who brought you to church today? JESUS
Who are we worshipping when we sing? JESUS
Who is your best friend? JESUS
Who tied your shoes this morning? JESUS!

Regardless of the question, their answer was JESUS!

I am now a parent of a tweenster, which is not for the faint of heart all parents will agree, and I find myself giving the same answer to every question.

“Mom, will you be okay during surgery?” – JESUS IS WITH ME NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS

“Mom, why do friends prove to not be true friends?” – I know it hurts, but remember, JESUS is the friend who is always with you.

“Mom, why is the world so crazy today?” – It is scary, keep your eyes on JESUS.

“Mom, I want to do what is right and my friends don’t” – I know it’s hard but keep on keeping on…JESUS will help you.

JESUS – JESUS – JESUS

He reminds me daily that he is the answer, he is the way and and his the truth and he will guide me in training up my child in his ways as a warrior who will hold fast and make a change in her world!

Such strange days…during the Covid19 Social Distancing….we suddenly find ourselves at home with much time for our “to-do” list, that is if we are healthy and at home – hearts heavy for those who are hospitalized or grieving the loss of a loved one.  Sun shining so perfect day to work on the yard – we set to work – I work in the front yard and my husband in the back yard.  I am thankful Rick mowed the yard yesterday so I can focus on weeding the walk and the flowers/bushes in the yard.  Now typically we are on the run and have very little time to focus on our yard but again we are staying home and going on week 3 so we do have plenty of time to do it right……the normal habit it to just grab the weed eater and set to knocking off the weeds…..but as I have time today, I grab a bucket, gloves and hand tool to work at not just topping off the weeds but pulling the weed OUT – – – I set to it….music ear buds in, sun shining and at peace.  As I set to my task I began to think about how we are often content to ask God to deal with the weeds in our life at the surface – the part that we can see the part that others can see – it is uncomfortable to view the product of a “weed” in our life but we don’t want God to dig too deep, we find that uncomfortable/painful even –  we want to hold on to the root of it.  The thing about the root of a weed even if you cannot see it the very presence of it suffers the flower to bloom and grow like it should – then as I thought about the tool in my hand that I was using to remove the weed at the root, God reminds me that different tools for different tasks  – – – we often experience challenge after challenge in our life and we each sometimes will ask God why? why? why? but if we will just slow down, take a deep breath and remember different tools accomplish different end products – God uses so many different “tools” in our lives to help us grow, to understand, to see, to bloom…..as I began to quickly form several blisters I thought how thankful that I am that God is a master gardener – he loves me so much that he tends to every single blade of grass in my life – every single piece he treats with love and care…..can you imagine if you were asked to “mow” your lawn with a pair of scissors and trim each and every blade individually?  I think we should try to visualize that and see God tending to our lives in such a fashion and we will be reminded when challenges continue to present themselves in our lives it is just God using another tool for another trim to a specific blade of grass…he is the master gardener and his love has no end…..

My daughter was going over her math homework with me and I have to be honest I am not super excited about traveling down the dark scary lane of algebra again, once you have conquered that giant in your own education and you feel you have it behind you…..then you have children and you realize when you they need help you did not leave it behind…yet!  To the point, as I was in my happy place this weekend….aka 8 am Yoga….I began to ponder the equation this christian life is.  You recall the mathematical equations where you have a portion of the answers and have to figure out the rest to arrive at the correct answer.  “A + B = C”

“A” being whatever the mountain is in your life maybe it is the lifelong battle against a cancer, your marriage, a recent diagnosis, loneliness, depression, finances, grief….your mountain can be any challenge that stands before you and as you travel through this life you will scale many mountains some will be small and some will be HUGE

“B” being FAITH; Hebrews 11:1 – Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

“C” is that big EQUALS TO =  living a victorious life/receiving that miracle/the answer to the prayer you are lifting up high and loud

So now we have the equation: YOUR MOUNTAIN + FAITH = ANSWERED PRAYER

An obvious mountain in my life would  be an inoperable brain tumor, benign but unfortunately in a very bad location……one of those places is that it is wrapped around my trigeminal nerve, encasing the right carotid artery and here and there….it is a busy benign tumor that has caused me much challenge over the past several years….I share this with you to put into perspective this blog —- if the trigeminal nerve is simply slightly bothered it is a horrific pain – that being just one of the 3 branches…..keeping in mind all three branches are encased in the tumor in my head.  If you were to consult Dr. Google he would share with you that Trigeminal Neuralgia is also known as the “suicide disease,” it in known as one of the worst pains known it can be constant or sporadic but regardless it is a debilitating disease.  My personal equation is even slightly more interesting as I also have another diagnosis that is very painful as well my facial nerve was severed and I have severe synkinesis which is its own painful battle.    Now again I share that so you can look at my equation with all the variables.  Now it is a given that a person would say well it is obvious the only logical equation for me would be as follows:  BRAIN TUMOR (i.e. my mountain) + FAITH IN GOD (i.e. prayers for healing) = TUMOR IS HEALED AND GONE (i.e. answered prayer)

As I stood in a 110 degree Hot Yoga Studio standing on one foot and feeling strong when I should be in horrific pain, with no balance, plus a very long list of other symptoms that should have kept me in bed that morning – YET I WAS NOT, I was in a yoga studio feeling strong thanking my God for a beautiful blessed day.  See if I am not careful I will miss the fact that I am living IN MY MIRACLE everyday.  I am not saying I do not have challenges that I do not have days of pain or challenges to face but I am saying I AM FACING THEM and I am OVERCOMING and living a victorious life because regardless of what any MRI scan reveals my prayers are heard and answered and I am living a miracle everyday. Romans 8:37-39 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I encourage you to not miss your miracle simply because you close your mind to what “C” is in your equation.  I will not lie – I am geared up and ready to get that May 2019 MRI and hear that the tumor is GONE and my nerve is healing and my facial nerve is healing and I can plan to stop the trips to the hospital.  But I recognize today and every day that I have a strong day that I am living this beautiful strong life IN SPITE of a diagnosis that says I shouldn’t be able to.  I LOVE MY C in my equation, I think it is pretty amazing!  I am thankful that I have strength, that I am taking care of my family, working in my church, working my job, training for a half marathon……that should not be, the diagnosis says until the tumor is gone I should be living a debilitated life but that is not my story…..my answer in my equation is that I am LIVING IN MY MIRACLE every day.  I love the quote and am determined to live it daily….Don’t Deny The Diagnosis Defy the Verdict!

Some days I may need to dig a bit deeper and push a little harder but when those days greet me I can still say, I am blessed beyond measure because when I need a little more “umph” I can stand on the promise that his mercies renew every morning…..Be encouraged, don’t miss your answer because you think you already know the answer…..perhaps you are living in your miracle as well and just have not realized it yet!! Keep on keeping on and finish every day you are given STRONG – we are never alone, live BIG!

 

 

 

So we decided as a family that having a brain tumor was not going to be who I was, I am me and this tumor is an intrusion into our happy busy life. With that being said you need to understand that we have been going back and forth to a large university hospital on a regular basis now for four (4) years…McKayla now being 11 years old has grown up with this intrusion in the background of our lives.

I am more than thrilled that she has shown an interest in running with me, and there are several reasons, the obvious its GOOD FOR YOU (obviously) another it presents a great opportunity for connecting with my tween. We recently went for a run together and she began to vent about how its not fair that people we love, who are good people, have cancer then moves on to how its just not fair that her mom has a brain tumor. The mom in me was bursting with pride as she opened up, the conversation continued and she eventually moves on to ask questions. As she questions me I can see these questions are something she has been mulling on for some time. She begins to ask how and where the tumor is and I explain that its wrapped around this over and under this and that / also explain that its benign but unfortunately is in a terrible place and your head is the boss of your body so it being in there is just INTRUSIVE – she wants to understand what parts of my body is affected where it is placed at and we talk it through…… but you know as I provided her the answers she needed I refused to let it govern our life again I say it is not who I am its an intrusive guest that I tolerate….. so I have to finish the heart to heart with this explanation, and OF COURSE IT IS OBVIOUSLY PRESSING ON MY ROCKSTAR GLAND!! THAT IS WHY YOUR MOM IS SUCH A ROCKSTAR!!! Obviously, right???

I encourage you to refuse to let an intrusive guest govern who you are my friend, challenges will come into your life it is so unavoidable but you can choose to not let it become who you are.

This week as I learned a good friend had received unsettling news, the kind that shakes your world, I am reminded that walking this path of faith does not mean all smooth sailing, whether on calm waters or the darkest of night roaring sea THOU ART WITH ME……it is my determination to encourage those I walk this path with…I cannot promise you that God will remove the mountain or that at times you won’t feel alone but I am thankful that we take each step not reassured or discouraged by what we can or cannot see but rather the scripture that says he will never leave our side….in that promise we find peace on the roaring sea…..

HIS LIFE FOR MINE…..I was reminded of how amazing Gods grace is…..when you answer his knock and purpose to follow after him it is not out of obligation that he did this so you should do this but rather, how amazing it is a creator would love his creation so much he would wrap himself in flesh and give HIS life for mine……I follow after my savior because I see him on that cross…..and that love is amazing